Along time ago on a winter's day cold,
Darryl the Donkey went to the North Pole.
Darryl was eager, that much is clear
to join Santa's team of flying reindeer.
And inside the home of the jolly old elf,
Darryl the Donkey soon found himself.
His ears both pricked up and his pulse became quick,
for he was to interview with good ole Saint Nick!
"So what can you do to bring kids enjoyment,
that I should consider your wish for employment?"
said Santa Claus who was always direct,
as he peered at Darryl from behind his square specs.
"I can't run, I hate cold, I won't work with the boys
and with my bad back I can't make any toys,
I don't want a desk job; that truly bores me
and lots of hard work rightly deplores me,
I get sick very often and I need lots of rest,
and true, I scored low on your aptitutde test,
but what I want; what would truly be fair
is to team with reindeer and take to the air!"
"Well then," Santa said with a gleam in his eye,
"my question to you is how well do you fly?"
"Well that's just the thing," said Darryl, "what's more,
since I am a donkey, I can't really soar.
As a matter of fact, I can't fly at all,
but most of your reindeer are strong and are tall.
I just can't see why they won't pick up all the slack,
and fly me along as I ride on their backs."
"Now then" said Santa "I regret to inform you
that if you can't fly then I just can't employ you,
'cause we run a tight ship and we have to meet deadlines
and if we mess up we'll be standing in bread lines.
With taxes so high and the libs' victory
we're a bad year away from full bankruptcy!"
"Oh I see" said Darryl, a scowl on his face,
"you don't want to employ me because of my race!
So I'm not a reindeer, that much is true,
but in your whole office there's nary a Jew.
And although you have elves named Jimmy and Tom,
not one person here believes in Islam.
Yes you have reindeer, but no pigs and no monkeys,
no mules, no gay aardvarks, no wombats or donkeys!
I don't want to believe it and I hate to say this:
but good old Saint Nick is a mean, full-blown racist!"
"Now wait just a minute" said Santa real loud,
"what makes you think you can push me around!?!
for I am Chris Kringle and millions all trust me
and I have no jobs for one earth-bound donkey.
Now get out of here or I'll call security."
"Well you haven't heard the last thing from me!
for I have a friend, most wise and most true,
I'll call Holiday Claus and her ACLU!"
and off Darryl stormed into the cold night,
determined to struggle for his 'civil rights'.
So a few weeks went on, Chris forgot of the scrap,
and he had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
He sprang from his bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window he flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to his wondering eyes came to order,
But a female Inuit and eight tiny reporters!
With a ten hybrid cars, so lively and quick,
he knew in a moment it must be that bitch.
More rapid than eagles reporters they came,
And they whistled, and shouted, and called out their names;
"I'm RATHER! I'm WILLIAMS! I'm COURIC and SAWYER!
I'm GIBSON! I'm WALTERS! I'm SCHEIFFER and MOYERS!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
We know there's a story, lets make Santa fall!"
An upon the door there was heard such shudder,
that Missus Claus' heart had started to flutter,
then the door flew ajar and now stood with no pause,
a mob of reporters and Holiday Claus!
"I'm Holiday Claus of the ACLU,
and I'm here to watch all the things that you do"
"Sweet jesus, my dear, why the hell are you here?"
said old Santy Claus loud enough to be clear.
"First and most foremost, I'll ask you real nice,
that you never again come to mention the Christ,
As you know true enough, my explanation is given-
I'm the first holiday icon to have no religion.
I'm female and dark skinned and American native,
from the ACLU, 'cause they are creative.
They made me to make sure that things will be fair,
and not 'Christmas' but 'Holiday' we will all share.
I'm here to make sure no one's ever offended,
not a Hindu or fruity gay man who's rear-ended,
by this celebration of all things that are Christian,
so I push 'Holiday', 'cause that is my mission.
Now what is this troubling thing that I hear,
of you only working with flying reindeer?"
"Now wait just one minute", said Couric, Katie
"Is it true, sir, you won't hire a lady?
'cause me and my crew interviewed all your elves
and there wasn't a woman with boobs like myself!"
And then interrupted the anchor Dan Rather:
"Anti-Hispanic is what I can gather,
for I didn't see one elf from Chiapas,
one brown-skinned snowman or a maid from Honduras."
"Why did you think you could keep being racist?"
Asked all the reporters, frowns on thier faces.
"I have no comment, from the news I'm averse
but I'll certainly make 'Holiday' more diverse"
and with that one comment Chris pushed them all out
o'er the din of reporters' protesting and shouts.
And outside his cottage sat CNN and Fox News,
and Sharpton and Rangel and News Channel 2.
And across the T.V. ran the bold head-line ticker:
"Former employees say Santa said 'nigger'"
As the days turned to weeks, there was nary a switch;
news choppers, Geraldo, a hit piece by Frank Rich;
Large protetst marches and much condemnation;
widespread prescripted 'sensitivity training'.
And Santa had no way from this P.R. mess,
and he knew that he had to do now what was best;
to save his whole business, his family and work,
He would have to give in and hire the jerk;
so he picked up the phone and gave Darryl a call,
and told him he could work over there after all,
and then to the news-papers St. Nick announced he
was starting a program for North Pole diversity.
But in order to hire the 'flight-challenged' ass,
Santa released an employee with class,
who was a great flyer from his head to his toes,
who once had saved Christmas with his glowing, red nose.
'cause Rudolph, you see, though he flew with authority,
was Santa's one reindeer with the lowest seniority.
"I'm sorry" said Kringle, "we're all gonna miss you...
but with this tight budget I just cannot keep you."
"But I worked hard for this job!" protested Rudolph with shock,
"now I'm out on my ass, my God, what a CROCK!!!"
"Maybe next Christmas I'll hire you back,
but now I need you to clean up and pack,
for Darryl'll soon be here, the press close in chase,
and for them we need to put on our best face,
and pre-tend everything's all merry and glee,
so maybe the news will forget about me,
so I can go back to making great toys,
for all of the planet's good girls and good boys."
And out walked poor Rudolph, his stuff in a box,
and straight to a strip-club dubbed 'The Arctic FoXXX',
went the red-nosed reindeer, to drink 'way his sorrow
and worry 'bout his lack of employment tomorrow.
And drink lots did Rudolph and get five lap-dances,
and slip all his dollars in strippers' small pantses,
and when morning came, they threw Rudolph out
stinking of liquor; a pugnatious lout.
And alone sat poor Rudolph, all drunk in the snow;
no money, no job, not one piece of doe.
Meanwhile Chris Kringle made a few other moves,
to make sure the media of him did approve.
He hired El Senior Muy Guappo Snow Hombre
Diego Montoya Martinez Del Andres,
the first 'latin' snowman, made all of brown 'snow',
from south of the border in ole' Mex-i-co.
He hired a toymaking elf from Hong Kong,
and he brought in a Jewish accountant named Ron,
and when all the newsmen came in for the story,
Santa's North Pole shone with di-verse glory!
"Here's our new COO, an elfette named Lanarra"
said jolly Chris Kringle, posing for the cameras,
"And here's our new Muslim elf, Haji Al-Haq,
he's building a bomb in our Christmas Toy Shoppe."
And the reporters were happy; they shouted with glee:
"Oh my, what a great 'Holiday' this will be!!!"
For they had, in thier minds, changed things for the best,
even though toymaking now was a great mess,
'cause elfette Lanarra as a boss was a dud,
and nobody likes a 'snowman' made of mud,
and Darryl the Donkey came in after 3,
and Haji Al-Haq messed with T-N-T,
so toys were made slow; there just weren't enough,
and test-flights sans Rudolph turned out to be tough,
'cause while Donder and Blitzen strained to go high,
Darryl just sat there, eating some pie,
and giving them pointers on how to fly better,
wrapped in a down jacket and heavy wool sweater.
"This is crazy!" yelped Comet, "I've had enough of this shit.
if didn't have mortgage, I'd surely have quit!"
"If you think that's bad, then listen to this crap-
I think that dirt 'snowman' stole all of my hubcaps!"
exclaimed mighty Dasher, huffing as he spoke,
dragging the sleigh from behind his tight yoke.
But Darryl just sat there, chatting real slickly
on his cell-phone with his fat girl-friend, 'Vicki'.
Resented by others, Darryl couldn't care less,
'cause his benefits were quite near the best,
he had medical, and dental, and coverage galore,
and he could retire at age fifty-four,
and live on his pension as if it was free,
and maybe at forty he'd claim dis'bility,
and sleep till ten-thirty and hang out in his bed,
and then work off the books for his first cousin, Fred.
As the big day grew close, more changes were witnessed
such as the out-lawing of the word they call "Christmas".
Instead, "Merry Holiday" was used at all meetings,
or "Have a Great Kwanzaa" or just "Season's Greetings".
And though toy production was utterly slow,
Santa himself outlawed the word "Ho",
and he hired a publicist to invent a new phrase;
much more gender-neutral to appeal to the babes,
and so "Go Go Go!" became his new call,
"Merry Holiday to you- and tolerance of all!"
And as he packed up his sleigh for 'Holiday' Eve Night,
all of Santa's elves were panicked with fright,
for Haji had blown himself up with a thud,
and splattered Diego, the 'snowman' of mud.
and as flame and fire raged out of control,
Darryl just sat there, smoking a bowl.
"This night is stressful, I needed a hit"
said Darryl the Donkey "...and this is good shit!
I can't wait to fly, it'll be a phat trip
now what in the world did I do with those chips...."
As he climbed in the sleigh, red-eyed and all
his great big fat ass caused some presents to fall,
out to the ground, but he didn't care
for he had grown sleepy in the cold winter air.
And as Darryl napped, the Jolly Old Elf
had to do the hard work all by his damn self,
Of loading the presents into the sleigh,
and giving the reindeer adequate hay.
And since Darryl was big, there was less room for toys
to give to all the world's good girls and good boys.
So some kids awoke the next day without glee,
to find there was emptyness under their tree,
and others were sad, its hard to debate
for thier Chritsmas toys showed up three days late!
And after that Christmas there was much commotion;
the North Pole was un-used to terror explosions!
And Comet soon quit to find a new job
and Darryl the Donkey was still a fat slob,
who came in real late, and did what he wanna,
and talked to his girlfriend, and smoked marijuana.
And even though millions of kiddies were sad,
the ACLU could not see the bad,
that they had imposed upon all of those others,
'cause now 'Holiday' featured different skin colors.
And the media reporters went to their next story,
in a non-ending cycle of self-centered glory,
to find the next 'scoop' and break the next big one,
regardless the impact it had on the children,
or the soldiers, or homefront, or all of the nation,
'cause to them all that matters is getting high ratings.-CHAPTER 7-
And one day I saw Santy Claus three years past,
and Darryl the Donkey was still on his ass;
as he sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all sputtered, slow like a lead missile.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"MERRY HOLIDAY TO ALL, AND TO ALL A TOLERANT NIGHT."
Posted over at The Dick List