Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Memo
TO ALL EMPLOYEES [EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY]
DRESS CODE
-It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
-If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
-If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
SICK DAYS
-We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
HOLIDAY DAYS
-Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
COMPASSIONATE LEAVE
-This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
TOILET USE
-Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three minute time limit in the cubicles.
-At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
-After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
-Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
LUNCH BREAK
-Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
-Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
-Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
SURGERY
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
SEXUAL HARASSMENT AND WORKPLACE BULLYING
-Any employee caught filing complaints to these matters will be framed and terminated expeditiously.
INTERNET USAGE
All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. Note: charges applicable as $3 per minute as we have a fast connection.
-73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.
PREGNANCY
-In the event of labour pains, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labour, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.
DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT two weeks' notice is required as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Regards, HR Department
DRESS CODE
-It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
-If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
-If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
SICK DAYS
-We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
HOLIDAY DAYS
-Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
COMPASSIONATE LEAVE
-This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
TOILET USE
-Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three minute time limit in the cubicles.
-At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.
-After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
-Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
LUNCH BREAK
-Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
-Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
-Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
SURGERY
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
SEXUAL HARASSMENT AND WORKPLACE BULLYING
-Any employee caught filing complaints to these matters will be framed and terminated expeditiously.
INTERNET USAGE
All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. Note: charges applicable as $3 per minute as we have a fast connection.
-73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.
PREGNANCY
-In the event of labour pains, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labour, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.
DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT two weeks' notice is required as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Regards, HR Department
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Funbags establishes herself as a heavier version of Al Gore
Political analyst Meghan McCain, daughter of Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), is challenging widespread GOP skepticism about climate change in the wake of Hurricane Sandy.
“So are we still going to go with climate change not being real fellow republicans?,” McCain wrote, via Twitter, around midnight as the storm was slamming ashore.
Posted over at Weaselzippers
Monday, October 29, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Rules for your Man Card
- Thou shall not rent Chocolat
- Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
- Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
- When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
- Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
- You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call “Bullshit!” Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%
- If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
- The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
- Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
- No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering a friend’s birthday is strictly optional.)
- Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
- Before dating a buddies ex, you are required to ask his permission; and he, in return is required to grant it.
- Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
- If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem — you didn’t see nothin’.
- The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
- Your girlfriend must bond with your buddies’ girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pals (significant dick-heads — low level sports bonding) is all the law requires.
- When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
- When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
- It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach. And it’s delivered by a topless supermodel. And it’s free.
- Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
- A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
- If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin,” you may sit back and enjoy.
- Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
- Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: “Yeah, baby, push it!” “C’mon, give me one more!” “Harder!” “Another set and we can hit the showers.” “Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?”
- Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
- If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be referring to his beer.
- Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.
- Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
- If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him … too gay.
- Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “Fuck off!” You are absolved of your of responsibility.
- The morning after you and a babe who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
- In Black Jack, always split aces and eights. No arguments.
Texting for seniors
Children’s books that didn’t make the cut
1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That’s It; I’m Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop Goes The Hamster & Other Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That’s It; I’m Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop Goes The Hamster & Other Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
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