Pitsnipes Gripes

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
Satan asked, “Aren’t you afraid of me?”
“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
“Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!”
“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes.”
“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!”.

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out.

The genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” The genie snapped his fingers and poof, the woman disappeared.
“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” The genie once again snapped his fingers and poof, the man disappeared.
“OK, you’re up,” the genie says to the manager.
The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”