Paternity Test Confirms: Martin Sheen Father of Lindsay Lohan, Winona Ryder, and Countless Other Hollywood Degenerates

LOS ANGELES, CA—It seems a sinister theory floating around Hollywood circles for years is a theory no more.  Faced with mounting pressure from the public, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano finally extracted enough semen from Martin Sheen to conduct paternity tests on upwards of over 20 Hollywood assholes.
“After Martin’s son Charlie’s recent antics, we had enough evidence to subpoena Mr. Sheen for a full gambit of testing,” Ms. Napolitano moaned.
“I don’t have a problem with the testing,” Mr. Sheen admitted, “But what I do not understand is why Ms. Napolitano couldn’t just take a DNA swab from my mouth?” His usual stoic demeanor broke when he cried, “Do you know what it’s like to see Janet Napolitano walking towards you snapping on a rubber glove?  Do you?”
Immediate results confirmed Mr. Sheen is indeed the father of Lindsay Lohan, Winona Ryder, the late Brad Renfro, Sean Penn, Tara Reid, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
When confronted with the results Mr. Sheen laughed hysterically, madly, and then whispered a bone chilling confession, “It’s all about the tiger semen.”
Ms. Napolitano tightened up when asked if Martin Sheen was the father of Michael Moore, “That’s classified information,” pressed she added, “We did find a potential strain possibly linking Mr. Sheen to Mr. Moore but we’ve also found traces of pig, donkey, and Kirstie Alley.  We think the sample may be tainted but I’m sorry I can’t say much more at this stage of the investigation.”
Ms. Napolitano did admit that she spit in four envelopes and mailed the sealed samples to the Commissioners’ of Major League Baseball, the NBA, the NFL, and the Chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission.
In unrelated news, Barry Bonds committed suicide.

Posted over at Keith Shrugged the blog