Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Good for a chuckle
A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in Chinatown.
He notices a small bronze statue of a rat.
He asks the owner "how much", and the owner replies "$50 for the bronze rat, and $1000 for the story behind it."
The guy says, "forget the story", and buys the rat.
As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him. As he continues to walk, more rats start following him.
He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the waterfront. By the time he gets there there are thousands and thousands of rats following him.
He walks up to the end of the pier and throws the bronze rat into the bay, and the rats all follow and leap off of the pier and drown.
The guy rushes back to the store and walks in. The owner says, "Ah!, so your back for the story".
The guys says, "No, I was wondering if you have any bronze liberals?"
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, a perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
........................................................................................................................................................
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets," and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time. To make things easier, he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen. But this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all.
Concerned, he went to investigate. John saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, had sufficent warning, and had time to run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. Old Butch was able to sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one, without any warning.
John was so proud of old Butch, he decided to enter him in the Renfrew County Fair. He quickly became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The judges loved Old Butch so much they awarded old Butch "the No Bell Piece Prize" and also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise."
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
He notices a small bronze statue of a rat.
He asks the owner "how much", and the owner replies "$50 for the bronze rat, and $1000 for the story behind it."
The guy says, "forget the story", and buys the rat.
As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him. As he continues to walk, more rats start following him.
He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the waterfront. By the time he gets there there are thousands and thousands of rats following him.
He walks up to the end of the pier and throws the bronze rat into the bay, and the rats all follow and leap off of the pier and drown.
The guy rushes back to the store and walks in. The owner says, "Ah!, so your back for the story".
The guys says, "No, I was wondering if you have any bronze liberals?"
...............................................................................................................................................................
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, a perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
........................................................................................................................................................
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets," and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time. To make things easier, he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen. But this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all.
Concerned, he went to investigate. John saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, had sufficent warning, and had time to run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. Old Butch was able to sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one, without any warning.
John was so proud of old Butch, he decided to enter him in the Renfrew County Fair. He quickly became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The judges loved Old Butch so much they awarded old Butch "the No Bell Piece Prize" and also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise."
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Elizabeth Warren’s Birthday Gift From GOP: An Ancestry.com Account….
Massachusetts Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren turns 63 today, and among her birthday gifts is one she probably won’t appreciate very much. She’s in a tight race against the GOP incumbent, Scott Brown. The state’s Republican party announced this morning that it is gifting Warren, a Harvard Law professor, with a complimentary account at ancestry.com.
Nice to see even the RINO's are catching the " grow a pair " fever......
Posted over at Weasel Zippers
The Comcast turtle gets salty...
Dem Rep. Maxine Waters Challenges Tea Party To a Fight, “Let’s Get It On”…
California Congressman Maxine Waters told Denver Democrats tonight that Republicans are waging a war on women on issues ranging from health care to wage disparity.
During her speech at the 5th annual House District 7 Unity Dinner, she accused Republicans of attacking President Obama any chance they get.
“We cannot allow the opportunities that America stands for to be eroded by those who simply want to bring this president down,” she said.
She was cheered when she said, “After a good night sleep, I wake up the next day, and I say, ‘Come on, Tea Party, let’s get it on.’”
Posted over at Weasel Zippers
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Sunday, June 17, 2012
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I
haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I
haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Pervy Perp Again Busted For Sex With Teddy Bear
JUNE 15--For the fourth time in the past two years, a Cincinnati man has been arrested for masturbating in public with the aid of a teddy bear, records show.
Charles Marshall, 28, was arrested Wednesday evening after employees at a health clinic spotted him pleasuring himself in an alley. Marshall, pictured in the adjacent mug shot, was cited for disorderly conduct.
Municipal Court records show that Marshall has already been convicted three times of engaging in public indecency/disorderly conduct with a teddy bear. The misdemeanor counts resulted in short jail sentences and small fines for Marshall.
Marshall was first busted in February 2010 when witnesses spotted him engaged “with a teddy bear in mens bathroom” at a public library (which prompted a judge to order him to “stay away all Hamilton Co. public libraries”).
He was again arrested in November 2010 and August 2011 for “masturbating w/a stuffed animal (teddy bear)” and “masturbating using a teddy bear in a public place where minors were likely to be present.”
It is unclear whether cops this week seized Marshall's teddy bear (or even if they would want to). If so, fellow Cincinnatians should look for him at an area Toys "R" Us.
Posted over at the Jawa Report and The Smoking Gun
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Fridays soggy biscuit* award goes to.......
*if you do not know what a " soggy biscuit " is, you really don't want to know....
Stolen from Weasel Zippers
Friday, June 15, 2012
Gotta be a Obama supporter
Rother McLennon knows how he likes his sandwich, and so does the 911 dispatcher who took his call on Wednesday afternoon complaining about how it was made.
“I specifically asked for little turkey, and little ham, a lot of cheese and a lot of mayonnaise and they are giving me a hard time. I wonder if you can stop by and just …” McLennon said when he called 911 from Greatful Deli in East Hartford on Wednesday afternoon.NBC Connecticut
